Anti-Dynasty #15: 1978-86 Baltimore/Indianapolis Colts

Peak Anti-Dynasty Points: 65
Record: 38-98-1 (.281)
Average DVOA: -21.4%
Bottom-Five DVOA: -29.1%
Two last-place finishes in the NFL, Three last-place finishes in the AFC; Five last-place finishes in the AFC East
Head Coaches: Ted Marchibroda, Mike McCormack, Frank Kush, Hal Hunter, Rod Dowhower, Ron Meyer
Key Players: QB Bert Jones, RB Curtis Dickey, RB Joe Washington, FB Randy McMillan, WR Ray Butler, T Chris Hinton, G Ken Huff, C Ray Donaldson, DE Donnell Thompson, LB Barry Krauss, LB Johnie Cooks, S Nesby Glasgow
Z-Score: 4.47

It has been long enough that we can agree that the Baltimore Colts sneaking out in the middle of the night, with moving vans taking alternate routes across state lines so angry fans or the Maryland State Police couldn't stop them all, is hilarious, right? A multi-million-dollar corporation hastily shoveling bags of footballs and office equipment into the back of a fleet of trucks in order to get out of dodge before the state legislature seized the team via eminent domain is some Three Stooges-level nonsense. In a league where owners have swapped teams because one didn't feel like commuting, and one asked for his franchise to be folded and a new one formed so he could participate in a complicated tax write-off scheme, this one takes the cake as the single dumbest way a team has changed cities.

It didn't seem funny at the time, of course. The Colts had been looking for a new stadium in Baltimore since 1971, floating ideas for an ambitious BaltoDome stadium that made everyone happy—except for, y'know, the taxpayers in Baltimore itself. That project died, but the friction between the team and the city continued for the next decade. While the Colts were winning, that awkward status quo was sort of accepted by everyone, but by the beginning of the 1980s, Baltimore was the laughingstock of the league.

New owner Robert Irsay was gradually trading everything not nailed down to save on salary, feuding publicly with his head coach, and aggravating his players by accusing them of being lazy and faking injuries. That last bit pissed off multi-time Pro Bowl lineman John Dutton, leader of the 1970s Sack Pack; he was traded away before the 1979 season started. Quarterback Bert Jones missed much of 1978 and 1979 with a bum shoulder, the offense cratered, and the team stumbled to a pair of 5-11 seasons. But, hey, they rebounded a little and won seven games in 1980. Things were looking up, right?

In 1981, the Colts defense—and there is no other word for this—imploded. Other Sack Pack members left—Joe Ehrmann waived, Fred Cook and Lyle Blackwood traded away. With all the star defenders gone, there was no one left to hold down the fort. With a 24.0% DVOA, the Colts have the second-worst defense since 1977. The Colts set records by allowing 533 points and 6,793 yards (though the 2012 Saints eventually broke that last one, in a much friendlier offensive era). They gave up 8.2 net yards per passing attempt, still an NFL record. You could write 4,000 words just trying to explain how all this came about—and Mike Tanier did, a decade and a half ago. (Go ahead, go read it. We'll be here when you're done.) As Tanier put it, the Colts were the sort of team "that knew the meaning of, and several synonyms for, the word 'quit.'"

Things got worse from there. The aging Jones was traded away and rookie Art Schlichter was drafted to replace him … but Schlichter had massive gambling problems and was ultimately suspended by the league. Rudderless, the 1982 Colts went 0-8-1 in the strike-shortened season. The next year, they solved their passer problems by drafting John Elway … except Elway refused to play for the team, had told the team he would refuse to play for them in large part to try to avoid Robert Irsay, and eventually had to be traded away for pennies on the dollar. By the time the Colts were sneaking away to Indiana, fans had pretty much stopped showing up to see a subpar, embarrassing on-field product.

Things didn't magically become better in the Hoosier Dome, either. The team bottomed out yet again in 1986, starting the year 0-13 before winning their final three contests under interim head coach Ron Meyer. The next year, Meyer traded for his old college running back Eric Dickerson, and the Colts had their first winning season in a decade.